Laziness rewarded

As I sit here in the throes of unemployment (no, it's not as fun as you'd think, especially after more than a month of fiddling with your record collection, vain attempts to get out of bed before ten, and a looming credit card bill), I've come to reflect on various jobs that I will probably never have. The following is a small sample of jobs that are easier than you might first imagine. So maybe I shouldn't say never. These could be good gigs. (Unrelated, but note new song uploaded.)

Classical radio DJ

This has got to be one of the least challenging jobs that middle-to-upper-middle-class parents wouldn't entirely disapprove of. Consider the task at hand: you sit in a cozy radio booth, press a button, then have at least 25 minutes off (sometimes upwards of an hour, depending on the piece chosen) to nap, make or order a fancy meal, bid on truly ridiculous shit on ebay, or harass the nearest intern. Additionally, you do not need to worry in the slightest about underground, or up-and-coming artists, because they're all dead. Beethoven does not have a comeback record in the works, no collaboration with the Neptunes, featuring Lupe Fiasco, no unreleased tracks lying in the vaults. Just know the classics and you're set. The only drawback is that you'd have to be incredibly fucking boring.

Lawyer

A venerable profession, this one likely wouldn't have jumped out at you either. But it's actually very easy. It's called lying, and it's not hard. Remember in middle school when you didn't do your algebra homework and claimed you "left it at home," to minimize the penalty? Just do a lot more of that. And about murder and tax evasion. You can probably get used to it. Especially since there's a lot of money involved. Now don't get me wrong; not all lawyers are liars. They're just making the job much harder for themselves. There are a few negatives here though, even if you follow the route of less resistance. First, you become a bastard. Second, nobody will ever like or trust you. And lastly, you have to go to law school, which is a horrendous experience by most accounts. But if you can get past the academic barriers (which are probably there so there won't be a shortage of doctors, firefighters, or far more likely, classical radio DJs), the slow but complete dissipation of a conscience, and the permanence of abject solitude, this is as cozy as it gets.

Candy inventor

Some might claim that there is art involved in the creation of a new kind of candy. If we're talking chocolate, I might have to concede, but other kinds of confectionary goods have no such decorum to fall back on - they are repackaged sugar. What's best is that you have the ultimate non-discriminating demographic: kids. They will not discern between designer lollipops or what kind of Jolly Ranchers Jessica Simpson is sucking on these days. If it tastes good (ie: it has sugar) and the packaging is somewhat enticing (ie: it has colors), you've got yourself a product. Additionally, it is futile to attempt designing (if you can call it that) a perfect candy. Pixie Stix have already done this for you - it's colored sugar. Minimalist genius.

Tour guide, Fallujah, Iraq

Well, the money and safety situations might be a little iffy, but otherwise you can pretty much get drunk on a daily basis. Do not underestimate the value of this.