The only shows that matter right now

As I'm about to move and will be without a television for at least the next few months (note to self: big problem during MLB playoffs), and since I'm one of those annoying people who at one point in time never shied from advertising my hipness/badassness for not watching or owning a tv, I've come to praise the best shows on tv right now. I leave out Curb Your Enthusiasm because it's been in hiding way too long, and I may have to devote an entire new entry to it anyway when season number six hits HBO next month (note to self: redo cost-benefit analysis of not owning a tv). Aside from these four, there's nothing to watch. I inherently know this because I am very cool and don't watch very much tv. Definitely less than you do. You are uncool and watch way too much tv. On to the shows (in the order I discovered them)...

The Office

If you're not a fan by now, it may unfortunately be too late, because countless others will ruin it for you. Half the pleasure in anything is discovering it (or at least something about it) for yourself, and chances are that many around you have talked this show up too much or quoted from it endlessly ("That was an over-reaction.") But if you can, miraculously, get past all that, hole yourself up and watch the DVDs before the fall season kicks off. If you've ever worked in a humdrum office environment, had to deal with inept coworkers, filled out HR bullshit paperwork that redefines wordiness, or even, yes, been attracted to a fellow employee, there's something here for you. The first two seasons hit closer to home, ironically because the characters weren't developed enough for the plotlines to take over, but the stories that have grown out of them are well-written and still hilarious. Steve Carell and Rainn Wilson dominate this show (ie: the Season 2 finale, in which Michael inadvertently ends up with two dates to the company's Casino Night event and, visibly happy with himself, proclaims he will "drop a deuce on everybody"), but almost all of the other characters are great (only Meredith's role is annoying since they don't give her much beyond being a very horny boozebag, which is funny but entirely predictable). And yes, the Jim-Pam thing sucks in a lot of women and hopeless romantics, but at least their relationship is believable and far more appealing than what you'd find in most sitcoms.

Entourage

Someone (thank you E.) recently pointed out to me that this is the male version of Sex and the City. After cleaning up the small amount of vomit in my mouth, I countered that Entourage is appealing to members of both sexes, making it infinitely (ok, twice as) better. I am fully aware that some "men" really really like Sex and the City, but my brother is weird, and the rest of them are gay and/or desperate and watching the show in order to gain some magical insight into the mysterious female brain. Also, I knew a girl whose clear ambition was to be Sarah-Jessica Parker's character in the show. She was anorexic, liked to party, and rented a cute apartment between Bleecker and Hudson and everything. I'm on a tangent, but you get the idea. Like Michael and Dwight in the Office, Johnny and Ari carry this show (they are endlessly hilarious), and the supporting storylines are almost always entertaining and smart. They will be hard-pressed to top the Vegas episode, in which Johnny's homoeroticism hits a high note, and Seth Green guests with a graphic one-liner referencing Jackson Pollock's work. Or the fake-documentary on Medellin that started the current season. Also, there is a never-ending supply of hot women on the show. That's an Emeril recipe right there (Bam!).

Dexter

The only non-comedy here, so it better be good - I'm a funny guy, and I demand nothing less from my entertainment. This is also the only time I remember an ad-blitz on the subway ever getting to me (I don't know if they do this elsewhere, but on NYC subways, you'll occasionally find cars with ads for one product dominating every ad space - can't escape it). Whoever did the copy for Showtime is on to something, because their slightly macabre but witty posters convinced me to watch a "crime drama." For those that don't know me well, I am capable of ranting for upwards of 45 minutes on the evils of Law and Order, CSI, Jag, and their various partners-in-boring-the-shit-out-of-me. All those shows suck. You guys are awesome at forensics and finding legal loopholes; I get it. But Dexter is good, and completely different, as we get the criminal's perspective. Sort of. But seriously, the serial-killer who takes out serial-killers bit is a little contrived, but a fantastic story. There are no court room scenes, and most of the evidence doesn't fall from the sky into perfectly interlocking puzzle pieces. The acting is sensational (though they don't give much to Sgt. Doakes, who can only do so much as the token super-angry black guy), and the themes they cover are deep and culturally relevant - not what you'd expect given the concept. Feeling "human," the ambiguity of justice, fractured families, these are all given space in the first season alone. If my soon to be ex-roommate hadn't shown me how to download tv shows, I'd have probably sprung for Showtime.

Flight of the Conchords

My current obsession. My friend J. recently pointed out that neither Bret nor Jemaine ever crack a single smile throughout the show, which means this is pure deadpan, and pretty much explains why I love it. It's a good thing the material's worthy. From the Gainsbourg/shitty French class send-up "Foux de Fa Fa," to "I'm not Crying," their songs are as varied as they are funny. Part of the joke could have been the fish-out-of-water effect of seeing two mild-mannered and exceedingly polite guys from New Zealand actually rapping, but their rhymes are better than those of some individuals with actual recording contracts. And as great as the songs are - and they are the initial selling point - their dialogue is a priceless balance to the over-the-top performances. When the DVD comes out next year and I'll have exhausted my chances with every last woman I know in the city (still working on this, but making amazing progress), I'm glad I'll be able to lock myself in my room, drink a six-pack, and laugh myself to sleep.